mathmagician’s blog

Quite simply I don't believe in the right to judge others. I don't believe in the right of others to judge me, but I will defend their right to their beliefs even if they do believe they have that right. I don't believe in a judgmental god. I believe that he loves us all unconditionally. I believe that we are the only people with a right and a duty to judge ourselves. I don't believe in hell or damnation. I believe that when we leave the earth plane, we look at our lives and see what we've done from our perspective and from that of others. Then we make plans to come into the next life and find ways to correct the things we did wrong and heal the hurts we've caused. These are hard beliefs to live by. I'm not advocating anarchy. I just believe we all have a right to our own choices and a duty to take responsibility for them and the ensuing consequences.

I've been trying very hard to heal any an all hurts I've caused to others. That's because I don't want to have to wait until the next life to work on everything. I can't always heal relationships and hurts. It depends on the other person's willingness to participate in the process. Those that don't want to participate, I allow to walk away and I don't harbor ill feelings towards them. I always leave the door open for the day when they are ready. There has only ever been one person who I have refused to let back into my life. That's because he presents a physical danger to me. I still pray for him though and hope for the sake of his own karmic journey that he'll heal what's wrong inside of him and that someday he won't present a danger to me or anyone else. I hope he understands eventually that I love him that much.

These beliefs and feelings of responsibility can be burdensome but they also give me a unique sense of freedom. I don't feel the need to hide anything about myself. Especially if it helps someone else know that I relate to what they've been through or are going through. I don't mean to imply that I tell everything to everyone. I'm quite comfortable telling someone to mind their own business. I don't share details of my life to entertain or provide fodder for gossip. But if you want to know something about me and it's because you care and you're being respectful, then just ask and I'll tell you the truth. As for listening to gossip, I don't believe anything until I've talked to the person the rumor was about and given them a chance to explain themselves. I also, know how to take it when told something isn't any of my business. But, I also believe I don't have the right to judge the gossiper.

I feel like I've spent my entire life looking for something or someone that would make everything right. If I was a good enough girl, my Dad would come back. If I loved my Mom enough, she'd want to take care of me. If I fell in love, that person would love me enough to heal my heart. If I ate things I liked, I'd fill the void in my soul. If I smoked a cigarette, then I would feel better. If I drank enough, I could relax and enjoy myself. If I graduated college, I'd be fulfilled by my career. If I get that job and pay off all my debts, I'll be secure.

I can be a very determined person and go after things that I want with a remarkable zeal. The problem is that when I get what I want it doesn't make me feel better for very long. When I get to the part in my life where the character in a book or movie would be happy and have closure, something is still missing. I think it's because this world is transitory and everything we do here is meant to be a lesson for the spirit. I need a more spiritual sense of accomplishment than a worldly one.

So, I'm going to spend some time working on me, connecting to spirit and healing. Everyone keeps saying "You need to love yourself, before anyone else can love you." I think that's a load of crap. No one would ever love or be loved, if that were the case. I think the distinction, is that you can't be totally secure in the love you receive until you believe you are worthy of it. There's only one person who ever loved me enough to make me feel like I was worth it despite my feelings about myself and he lived 2000 years ago.

I came into this world with a very strong sense of purpose but didn't know what to do with it. Growing up, I looked for the pattern I was supposed to follow. I went to school, started a career, got married and had kids. According to the paradigm, next I'm going to send my kids out into the world to do the same, eventually have grandchildren, retire then die. If that was all we needed to do for spiritual growth and fulfillment, no one would come back and reincarnate. I think the mistake we all make is getting caught up in the superficial, illusory world around us and forget to listen to spirit...forget that we are spirit.

So, if I'm less communicative for a while, it's not that I don't care about you. It's that I'm focused on other worldly things; on trying to wake up and remember who I really am and who I'm meant to be.

Dear Mr./Mrs. Teacher,

Thank you for taking the time to contact me for the umpteenth time regarding my son's lack of motivation and interest in school. I did not realize when I enrolled my son in your school that it had such a stellar history of total student involvement and that you would find it inconceivable that my son might not be captivated by your every word and assignment. I had the strange notion that 13 year-old's were generally less than enthralled by school due to the distractions of hormones and the general weirdness of the age. I see that I was mistaken and that my son is actually an anomaly.

Thank you as well for the pink highlighted portion of your note asking me to "encourage him to do better." I thought I had been doing exactly that. Apparently I wasn't and would like for you to explain to me exactly what I am doing wrong. I have tried punishments such as grounding and taking away privileges. I've even resorted to bribery for good grades. Apparently my tactics are not working and I would like for you to outline a better plan. The only ideas I have left are to make him live in the garage or quit school all together and start supporting himself.

Sincerely,

The clueless mother who never went to school and doesn't know anything!

P.S. Maybe I need to get him some counseling. He makes unhappy faces when I tell him he's doing well and smiles when I tell him he's a terrible child!

I woke up in a somewhat warped mood this morning. I'd been dreaming that I was on an episode of Dirty Sexy Money as myself. They were apparently supposed to take me and Rob on one of their planes to see a Broadway musical or Nickelback concert or something and stood us up.

Once the kids and I were all up and dressed, we settled on the couch to watch tv while Liam ate breakfast, CeCe had her bottle and I had my coffee. This morning we watched the first 10 minutes of the season premier of Reaper. Yes, we're behind. Thank God for DVR!

Then while Liam went to finish getting ready for school, I put CeCe in her high chair and gave her a banana and some cereal for her breakfast. Unskinny Bop by Poison was stuck in my head. So, I was singing that while gathering stuff up to take out to the car. CeCe started singing along, but she kept singing "Pop, Pop!" She's apparently Poisondyslexic! LOL

Liam came in to check the temperature outside and I noticed that his hair was all ratted up. So, I told him to bring me his brush so I could brush it out. He did, but he sulked about it the whole time. I proceeded to lecture him about responsibility. "If you have a cat, you feed it. If you have a job, you do it or get fired...." I told him that if he doesn't start taking better care of his hair this week, he's getting a haircut this weekend. (It's down to his lower back!) He was still pouting by the time we got in the car. So, I described tortures worse than having your hair brushed or cut. "I'm not asking you to put your hands in acid, swim with pharanas, change your name to Squeaky Fromme, etc." (Yes, I was pretty much just amusing myself.)

When I pulled up to the curb in front of the school, there were several cars in front of us. Usually, Liam waits in the car while we wait for the other kids to be dropped off and for the other cars to leave. So, I usually drop him off in front of the door. This morning, he jumped out as soon as I came to a stop. So, in a moment inspired by the Rosanne Barr school of motherhood, I rolled down the window and yelled, "I love you!" in a goofy voice.

Thank God it's Monday and I have a few kid free hours and they have a few Mom free hours!

I dreamt that I snuck into Steven Colbert's house to watch a biographical documentary on Shel Silverstein. The only t.v. was in Steven's bedroom. So, I sat in the bed next to him while he slept and watched the show. Every time he woke up, I put my head on his shoulder and he would say, "Thank you Jesus" and fall back asleep.

I know it's weird, but it makes me laugh. So, I didn't want to forget it.

My Personality

I've been meaning to post. I guess it took me a while to process being around so many people after being alone most of the time. Anyway.... everything went well for the most part. We had a late start leaving Little Rock and ended up giving up driving at about 2:30 in the morning in Sallisaw (I think that's where we were.) We could have driven through but we were so tired and the baby would still want to get up around 8:00 a.m. and eat no matter what time we went to bed! So in order to get some sleep we found a hotel room in whatever city that was. *L* The next morning we got up and dressed for the funeral, ate some McDonald's breakfast sandwiches on the way and barely made it in time for the funeral in Shawnee, OK. My Aunt Sharon saw us come in and asked if I wanted to see Uncle Lonnie before they closed the casket. I thought that was really thoughtful of her. I declined the invitation and we went to our seats amid greetings from the parts of the family we'd seen most recently.

The service was wonderful. There were two prayers at the beginning and a slide show with some very funny pictures. Then cousin Lucas (Lonnie's oldest grandchild) got up and spoke about Uncle Lonnie's life, including some very funny stories. Then the floor was opened up to anyone who wanted to share a Lonnie story. Most of these were about Lonnie tricking different kids in the family into being chased by his cows. He never pulled that one on me. LOL

Afterwards we gathered at Aunt Sharon's house and spent the day talking and eating. It was a good old fashioned wake... mostly celebration with a little sadness. :)

The best part was seeing so many family members that I hadn't seen since Liam was a toddler. It was really good to reconnect. I did hear talk that we should plan to get together like this more often. I hope that happens. Aunt Nola and Uncle Bill live in Louisiana and have a cabin in Arkansas. They really want to get together with us sometime soon. I'm really happy to have family again even though it's smaller by one and what a big presence he was in all our lives!

On the way home on Sunday, we stopped in Little Rock to check in on Robert's Dad. He was doing well and in good spirits. He was still in ICU because he was running a fever but the prognosis looked good otherwise. I didn't go in and see him. We got there just before visiting hours were ending so I stayed out in the lobby with the kids. Robert's Mom was in a pissy mood and kept making snarky remarks directed at me as if I'd caused Robert to neglect his Dad by going on this trip. She's such a sad woman. What's ironic is that we haven't heard a word from any of the family in Little Rock in a week and a half. I'm sure that's somehow my fault as well. *L*

I talked to Robert last night and he agreed with the plan to drive to Shawnee.  It'll be easier to drive since we have to take so much stuff with us for the baby (car seat, play pen to sleep in, stroller, bottles, etc.)  I've e-mailed my sister-in-law to see if we can hang out at her house while we wait on Robert.  Their Dad is having surgery tomorrow to remove a cancerous mass from his throat.  So, she might be busy.  We'll see.

Please send positive thoughts/prayers regarding the weather (we're under a tornado watch right now), safe travel and Robert's Dad if you feel so inclined.

Thank you everyone for all the words of support.  I really appreciate it!

My cousin Audrey called me a little while ago.  My Uncle Lonnie died last night from a rare form of prostrate cancer.  Aunt Sharon had called me a week and a half ago to let me know he was sick.  I knew he was going to die but this seemed so quick!  I'm glad he didn't suffer long.  Now I'm trying to figure out a way to get to Shawnee, Oklahoma by Saturday at 1:00 p.m. for the funeral.  The problem is that Robert left today on a business trip to San Diego!  He's still in transit so I can't reach him.  I did leave him a voice mail though.  I'm thinking that it might be feasible, if I take the kids and drive to Little Rock Friday evening.  Robert will be arriving in Little Rock at 8:20pm.  It's a 2 and a half hour drive to LR.  Then after he gets off his plane, we could eat something and drive the remaining 4 1/2 hours to Shawnee.  If we leave later in the evening, the baby will probably sleep most of the way and we could still get to a hotel in plenty of time to get some sleep ourselves.  The other option would be to fly from Little Rock to OKC.  I'll have to talk to Robert and see what he wants to do.  I just hate waiting for him to call!

The reason this is so important is that Uncle Lonnie was like a father to me.  He bought my clothes and glasses when I was a teenager.  He disapproved of my boyfriends.  He strutted around like a proud Dad at my first wedding and both graduations.  I'm going to miss him so much.  I'm so thankful that I went and saw him and the rest of the family at Thanksgiving!

The day started out innocently enough with a trip to the dentist for a routine cleaning.  Then when I laid Ceciliah down for her nap at 1:30 p.m, the phone rang.  I had a wonderful time talking to Stacy with whom I went to school with from the second grade until we graduated High School.  She was hoping that I would have info on another friend, Mary, from High School.  I went to the internet after I got off the phone with Stacy and searched for Mary.  I had a dream about her even before all this reunion excitement started and have been wanting to find her.  I did find her but the phone doesn't ring when I call.  It's just a fast beep.  I forget what that means.

A little after 3:00 pm. I headed out with baby in tow to pick Liam up from school.  At around 3:15 I was rear-ended by another car!  They did more damage to their car than mine and CC and I are alright.  The two little old ladies seemed to be fine as well.  I called Robert so that he could pick Liam up from school and call the accident in to the police.  I didn't have their number on me and didn't want to bother 911.  They sent out a Safety Officer.  He gave us a new car seat for the baby and installed it for us.  Car seats are only designed to withstand one wreck.  The insurance company told me, when I spoke to them later, that they would have reimbursed us for a new car seat.  It's just nice that we didn't have to run out to Wal-mart tonight though.  My back and neck are a little stiff from the force of the impact.

I hope tomorrow is a little less exciting.